Maybe blogging every day is a bit excessive, so I’m going to condense a few of the “brave challenge” days.
Yesterday (day 4) was a real personal one, asking me to “be present” and face a past experience that left me feeling powerless or afraid. As I’ve lived all my life in fear, this challenge was a lot for me to come to terms with. Though I’m not ready to share what I ended up writing about, a past damaging trauma has been a major cause of fear and guardedness for me. I got to journaling and let the pen flow freely, releasing years of built up hatred, shame and guilt run out of me as quickly as the ink in my pen.
It was freeing to finally allow myself to face what’s been bottled up deep inside me for so long. Now I’m hoping since I’ve recognized this past fear and allowed myself to feel the emotions toward and about it, that I can move through it and start opening up my heart (which is my 30 day goal after all).
Today, I am declaring that “I Am Enough”. After reading the challenge exercise this evening I knew exactly a point in the day when I was in class teaching and thinking “these students are so much better than I am or will ever be. They’ve already prepared so much in just one week and laid the groundwork for plans I never would have even thought of. I’m definitely not cut out for this industry.” ( <- that last one being a line I think far too frequently).
To me, “feeling enough” means being as competent and capable, or more so, than the people around me. Even though I may be enough in other respects, if I’m not at the same level for the specific situation at the time, I’ll think I’m not good enough to be doing what it is I want to be doing with my life.
I think these voices that say “I’m not enough” are trying to tell me that my definition of “enough” is wrong … or skewed rather. There are so many ways to be enough. Being yourself is enough – actually it’s everything. Doing the best you can do is enough, pushing you own limits and yourself is enough, doing more than you did the day before makes you enough. I think I’m going to keep hearing this negative phrase until I reframe the sentence and look at all the areas I am enough! (that list will come later – new blog idea).
In order to grow from this, I need to stop my thinking when I hear “I’m not enough” and tell myself “but I am enough at ____________” and “I do enough when I _______________”.
Now, to fill in those blanks ….
Until Next Time,